As everyone knows, the Abbot and Costello sketch Who’s On First is a masterpiece of wordplay. Lou Costello is utterly confused by what Bud Abbot is saying, because the names of the members of the baseball team are the same as the words the two are using to talk about them. But throughout it all, Abbot is also confused: he doesn’t understand why Costello is having so much trouble understanding him. We can’t really share in his experience, because we’re hearing the wordplay.
But what if we listened to the sketch with all of the wordplay removed? Then we would hear what Abbot hears: Costello being completely dense. To reproduce this effect, I have changed all the names of the baseball players to perfectly ordinary names that aren't also words. The sketch is completely transformed.
- Abbott:
- Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
- Costello:
- Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
- Abbott:
- I certainly do.
- Costello:
- Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
- Abbott:
- Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
- Costello:
- Funny names?
- Abbott:
- Strange names, pet names...
- Abbott:
- Well, let's see, we have on the St Louis team, Fred's on first, Frank's on second, Charlie is on third…
- Costello:
- That's what I want to find out.
- Abbott:
- I say Fred's on first, Frank’s on second, Charlie's on third.
- Costello:
- Are you the manager?
- Abbott:
- Yes.
- Costello:
- You gonna be the coach too?
- Abbott:
- Yes.
- Costello:
- And you don't know the fellows' names?
- Abbott:
- Well I should.
- Costello:
- Well then Fred’s on first.
- Abbott:
- Yes.
- Costello:
- I mean the fellow's name.
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- The guy on first.
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- The first baseman.
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- The guy playing…
- Abbott:
- Fred is on first!
- Costello:
- I'm asking YOU Fred's on first.
- Abbott:
- That's the man's name.
- Costello:
- That's Fred's name?
- Abbott:
- Yes.
- Costello:
- Well, go ahead and tell me.
- Abbott:
- That's it.
- Costello:
- That's Fred.
- Abbott:
- Yes.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Look, you got a first baseman?
- Abbott:
- Certainly.
- Costello:
- Fred’s playing first.
- Abbott:
- That's right.
- Costello:
- When you pay off the first baseman every month, Fred gets the money.
- Abbott:
- Every dollar of it.
- Costello:
- All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- The guy that gets…
- Abbott:
- That's it.
- Costello:
- Fred gets the money…
- Abbott:
- He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
- Costello:
- Fred’s wife.
- Abbott:
- Yes.
PAUSE
- Abbott:
- What's wrong with that?
- Costello:
- Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- The guy.
- Abbott:
- Fred.
- Costello:
- How does he sign…
- Abbott:
- That's how he signs it.
- Costello:
- Fred.
- Abbott:
- Yes.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- All I'm trying to find out is Frank’s the guy's name on first base.
- Abbott:
- No. Frank is on second base.
- Costello:
- I'm not asking you Fred's on second.
- Abbott:
- Fred's on first.
- Costello:
- One base at a time!
- Abbott:
- Well, don't change the players around.
- Costello:
- I'm not changing nobody!
- Abbott:
- Take it easy, buddy.
- Costello:
- I'm only asking you, Fred's the guy on first base.
- Abbott:
- That's right.
- Costello:
- Ok.
- Abbott:
- All right.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Frank's the guy's name on first base.
- Abbott:
- No. Frank is on second.
- Costello:
- I'm not asking you Fred's on second.
- Abbott:
- Fred's on first.
- Costello:
- Charlie.
- Abbott:
- He's on third, we're not talking about him.
- Costello:
- Now how did I get on third base?
- Abbott:
- Why you mentioned his name.
- Costello:
- If I mentioned the third baseman's name, Fred did I say is playing third.
- Abbott:
- No. Fred's playing first.
- Costello:
- Frank's on first.
- Abbott:
- Frank's on second.
- Costello:
- Charlie.
- Abbott:
- He's on third.
- Costello:
- There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
- Abbott:
- All right, what do you want to know?
- Costello:
- Now Fred's playing third base.
- Abbott:
- Why do you insist on putting Fred on third base?
- Costello:
- Frank am I putting on third.
- Abbott:
- No. Frank is on second.
- Costello:
- You don't want Fred on second?
- Abbott:
- Fred is on first.
- Costello:
- Charlie.
- Together:
- Third base!
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Look, you gotta outfield?
- Abbott:
- Sure.
- Costello:
- The left fielder's name?
- Abbott:
- Tom.
- Costello:
- I just thought I'd ask you.
- Abbott:
- Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
- Costello:
- Then tell me Fred’s playing left field.
- Abbott:
- Fred's playing first.
- Costello:
- I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know Frank’s the guy's name in left field.
- Abbott:
- No, Frank is on second.
- Costello:
- I'm not asking you Fred’s on second.
- Abbott:
- Fred's on first!
- Costello:
- Charlie.
- Together:
- Third base!
PAUSE
- Costello:
- The left fielder's name?
- Abbott:
- Tom.
- Costello:
- George!
- Abbott:
- Oh, he's centerfield.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
- Abbott:
- Sure.
- Costello:
- The pitcher's name?
- Abbott:
- Larry.
- Costello:
- You don't want to tell me today?
- Abbott:
- I'm telling you now.
- Costello:
- Then go ahead.
- Abbott:
- Larry!
- Costello:
- What time?
- Abbott:
- What time what?
- Costello:
- What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me Fred’s pitching?
- Abbott:
- Now listen. Fred is not pitching.
- Costello:
- I'll break your arm, you say Fred’s on first! I want to know Frank’s the pitcher's name.
- Abbott:
- Frank’s on second.
- Costello:
- Charlie.
- Together:
- Third base
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Gotta a catcher?
- Abbott:
- Certainly.
- Costello:
- The catcher's name?
- Abbott:
- Gerald.
- Costello:
- Gerald, and Larry's pitching.
- Abbott:
- Now you've got it.
- Costello:
- All we got is a couple of
on the team.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- You know I'm a catcher too.
- Abbott:
- So they tell me.
- Costello:
- I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Larry’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to Fred.
- Abbott:
- Now that's the first thing you've said right.
- Costello:
- I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
- Abbott:
- That's all you have to do.
- Costello:
- Is to throw the ball to first base.
- Abbott:
- Yes!
- Costello:
- Now Fred got it.
- Abbott:
- Naturally.
PAUSE
- Costello:
- Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now Fred has it.
- Abbott:
- Naturally.
- Costello:
- Fred?
- Abbott:
- Naturally.
- Costello:
- Naturally?
- Abbott:
- Naturally.
- Costello:
- So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
- Abbott:
- No you don't, you throw the ball to Fred.
- Costello:
- Naturally.
- Abbott:
- That's different.
- Costello:
- That's what I said.
- Abbott:
- You're not saying it…
- Costello:
- I throw the ball to Naturally.
- Abbott:
- You throw it to Fred.
- Costello:
- Naturally.
- Abbott:
- That's it.
- Costello:
- That's what I said!
- Abbott:
- You ask me.
- Costello:
- I throw the ball to Fred?
- Abbott:
- Naturally.
- Costello:
- Now you ask me.
- Abbott:
- You throw the ball to Fred?
- Costello:
- Naturally.
- Abbott:
- That's it.
- Costello:
- Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to Fred. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Fred picks up the ball and throws it to Frank. Frank throws it to Charlie. Charlie throws it back to Larry, triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to George. Tom. Charlie! He's on third, and Bruce!
- Abbott:
- What?
- Costello:
- I said Bruce!
- Abbott:
- Oh, that's our shortstop.